The Great Trophy Caper
by jes004
Summary: Sydney and Vaughn host a poker game and find themselves with 'unexpected' guests.


**The Great Trophy Caper**

**SD-1 February/March 2005 Challenge**

**Requirement: **Make the judges laugh.

A cloud passed across the sliver of moon as Irina scanned the area. From her vantage point behind a large oak tree, she checked for activity before quietly making a full circle around the house. The main rooms at the front of the building were dark. She noted that one room facing the back was well lit and occupied. The front porch light was on, but most of the surrounding area remained in the dark. Once certain their entryway was clear, she motioned Jack to a spot next to her. "If this plan works, Jack, there will be no doubt that we are the number one spy team of all time."

"If?" Jack gave her a wounded look. "The plan is flawless. Every detail was worked out meticulously. Nothing, not one single thing was left to chance. It simply cannot fail."

Irina eyed him suspiciously. "You are planning to take full credit for this, aren't you?" Jack tried to look pious. "We are in this together, or not at all. Do you understand me, Jack Bristow?"

"Yes, ma'am. If the plan succeeds, it was all your idea. If it fails, it's all mine."

"That's better."

"I thought that would at least merit a kiss."

"If we pull this off, I promise I'll give you more than a kiss."

Eric Weiss shoved a stack of chips to the center of the table. "I'll see your fifty and raise you ten."

"Way to go out on a limb, big guy." Nadia rolled her eyes. "Are you sure you can handle it?"

"I'm just reeling you guys in. Slow and easy," Weiss joked. "Hey, Syd, I'm glad your Mom and Dad decided not to come tonight. It gives us little guys a chance."

"I thought I'd spare you the embarrassment. Dad has the poker face, but Mom's the one who plays a killer hand."

Vaughn laughed. "I still can't believe you tried to bluff against the great Irina Derevko."

"It's Bristow." Nadia inserted firmly. "Mom prefers to be called Irina Bristow."

"Don't I know it," Weiss winced at the memory. "I thought she was going to throw a knife through me the last time I forgot."

"Eric, don't exaggerate." Nadia patted his hand. "Mom really just likes to be called Bristow, because it makes Dad horny."

"Nadia!" Sydney looked at her sister in horror. "They are our parents. They don't get horny."

"It's true," Nadia interrupted, looking unrepentant. "I've seen her use it on him. Have you seen they way the look at each other?"

Sydney stared at her cards, trying to hide her embarrassment. Vaughn laughed, enjoying his wife's discomfort. "Now that I think about it, your sister may be on to something."

"Sydney, you see them differently, because they have always been your parents. But I only learned about Mom three years ago and for almost a year I thought Sloane was my father."

"I don't want to think about my parents like … that, Nadia." Sydney shoved a stack of chips to the center, desperately attempting to change the subject. "I call. It's your turn, Vaughn."

"Nice try, Syd," Vaughn's eyes twinkled with glee. "But it won't work. Discussing your parent's sex life is enlightening. How often do you think…"

Sydney slapped his hand. "Michael Vaughn, if you continue with this conversation, I will divorce you."

"Lucky I'm not married to you," Weiss piped in. "Fifty dollars says three times a week."

"I'm in." Nadia winked at Sydney. "I bet they go at it at least once a night. To make up for lost time," she added with a sly grin.

"I guess I'll go with five times a week. What about you, Syd?" Vaughn grinned at his wife.

"I am not having this conversation." She pointed a finger at Weiss. "If my Dad finds out about this, you are so dead."

"Why me?" Weiss splayed his hands out in front of him. "Mike's the one who brought it up."

Vaughn smirked. "I'm safe. I have son-in-law immunity."

Irina disabled the secondary alarm and crawled through the window. Jack followed quickly behind, as she headed directly to the formal dining room. Jack pointed the beam of his flashlight at a large painting gracing a side wall.

"That's the one," he whispered. "It's hidden in a recess behind that painting."

"Oh look at it, Jack. It's so sweet."

"Irina!" Jack said, with a touch of exasperation. "We have a job to do."

"But, Jack..."

"Irina, for my plan to go off, we have to have perfect timing. Admiring a wedding portrait was not a part of the plan."

"Very well." Irina went to the picture and started to lift it from the wall.

"Irina, wait!"

"Oh, come on Syd. It's all in fun." Nadia stacked her chips in a single pile. "Besides, there is no way we can find out who is right."

"We could always grill, J.D." Weiss suggested.

"No way." Sydney glared at her friend. "You are not using my baby brother to learn about my parents sex life."

"Relax, Syd." Nadia grinned at her sister. "Eric wasn't serious."

"Yes, I was."

Sydney gave an exasperated sigh. "He's only five. How much information do you think you can get from someone whose whole life revolves around Yu-gi-oh and Spongebob?"

"With the right coaching…?" Vaughn wagged his eyebrow suggestively.

"Michael Vaughn, don't tell me you are going to support this hair-brained scheme!"

"I'm sorry, honey, but I have fifty dollars on the line."

Weiss cleared his throat. "Speaking of J.D, there something I've been wondering about for a while."

"Yes, Eric, J.D. is Dad's son."

"No, that's not it. I mean with those ears, there is no way he could deny his part in his conception." Eric took a sip of his beer. "And that's what I've been trying to figure out. How did they do it?"

"Do what?" Nadia piped in.

"How did they conceive him? Your mom was in glass cage almost the whole time she was in custody. Sydney, are you sure they didn't do anything in India?"

"They never left my sight. Cross my heart."

"See. That's what I'm saying."

Nadia burst out laughing. "So you think Dad somehow managed to fool all those camera's and 'slip in' a visit?"

"Very funny. But I don't see any better theories."

"It's pretty obvious he was conceived in Panama," Nadia informed Weiss. "One room. King size bed. Transmitter insertion."

"Panama? Why didn't I think of … wait. You weren't around then, Nadia. How do you know about Panama?"

Nadia's eyes twinkled. "Mom told me."

Sydney looked at her sister, dumbstruck. "Why would Mom tell you and not me?"

"Simple. Because I asked."

"You asked Mom…"

"Sure, why not? She said that their night together was worth the twenty year wait." Nadia enjoyed her sister's discomfort. "Dad didn't come prepared."

Weiss hooted and nudged Vaughn. "I guess that means no merit badge for Jack."

"Well, I for one am glad." Nadia took Sydney's hand. "Having a sister is wonderful, but we missed each other's childhood. It's fun watching J.D. grow up."

"I can't believe your Mom named him after your Dad."

"Mom wanted to make sure there was no doubt about his parentage."

"Are the two of you done discussing my parent's sex life?" Sydney shot Weiss an annoyed glance. "Because, it's time for you to …"

Weiss jumped as a loud beep interrupted Sydney. "Holy mackerel. What was that?"

"Dmn it, Irina, you've set off the alarm."

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious, dear." Irina glared at her husband. "I thought you said 'the plan is flawless. Every detail was worked out meticulously.' There was nothing in your brief about an alarm on the painting. And don't try to tell me different, Jack Bristow. I have perfect recall, as you very well know."

Jack flinched as his wife accurately mimicked his boast. "I didn't think I had to spell Ievery/I detail out, sweetheart. Not checking for an alarm is something a rookie spy would do."

"Rookie spy?" Irina hissed. "Well, Mr. Bond, there seems to be another problem with your 'cannot fail' plan."

"That's not possible. My plan was flawless."

"So you've said. However, rookie that I am, even I can see that our prize is missing."

"Missing?" Irina smirked, enjoying her husband's puzzled frown. "That's not possible, Irina. It was here yesterday evening."

"It isn't here now." Irina tapped him on the nose. "And neither is our daughter. That alarm was loud enough to bring me back from the dead and she is only in the other room playing cards."

Jack glared suspiciously at his wife. "Someone must have tipped her off."

"Don't try to pin this on me. You are the one who works with her during the day. I'd say the answer is quite obvious."

"In case you've forgotten, I am known for my granite face and stoic demeanor." Jack pointed a finger at Irina. "You were on the phone with her for an hour last night. You must have said something that made her suspicious. What on earth could you possibly talk about for that long?"

"I missed twenty years of my daughters' life. I have some catching up to do." She patted his chin. "Important things like her first kiss and the women who used to bring by cakes and cookies when they knew you were home."

"Sydney has a vivid imagination. "Jack swallowed. "I really think we should get back to the matter at hand."

"I don't know, if it wasn't so dark in here, I'd think you were blushing."

Jack continued his diversion. "Irina, you know what this means, don't you?"

"That I need to keep an eye out for housewives bearing gifts? "

"Syd?"

Sydney looked up from her cards. "Yes, Eric?"

"An alarm just went off in your house." Weiss looked around worriedly. "Shouldn't we check it out? It might be someone coming to kill us. Or worse."

Sydney laughed. "I'm not sure what could be worse than death, but don't worry about it Eric. I don't think my parent's are ready to kill us. Well, they might kill you, but the rest of us are safe. They don't have a grandchild yet, and you know how my mother keeps pushing for one."

"Your parents?"

"Yes, Eric," Nadia broke in. "It's just Mom and Dad. Nothing to get excited about." She frowned at Sydney. "They won't find it, right? We will never live this down if they steal it right out from under out noses!"

"I moved it an hour ago." Sydney looked smug.

"Moved what?" Weiss questioned at the two sisters.

"The trophy," Nadia told him patiently.

Vaughn took pity on his bewildered friend. "Jack and Irina gave their daughters a Christmas present two years ago; a trophy that said 'Worlds Greatest Spy'. Irina told them to put it in a safe place. Sydney wasn't sure what to do with it, so she put it on our bookcase."

"A week later, it was stolen. A ransom note was left in its place." Nadia grinned in remembrance. "It said, 'To truly own this trophy you must earn it.' There was a bunch of numbers scribbled on the back of the note. It took us a week, but we finally cracked the code and rescued the trophy."

"Other people's parents give their children china or crystal, ours give a plastic trophy with strings attached."

"So, why don't you guys just put it in a safety deposit box?"

Nadia rolled her eyes. "Oh good one, Eric. Mom and Dad would Inever/I think to look there."

"Besides," Sydney added gleefully. "Nadia already tried that one and got a scolding from Mom for her lack of creativity."

"She thought your hiding it in Dad's office was pretty lame, too, Sydney," Nadia returned quickly.

"All I can say is, neither of you have been too successful to date. I think this one is their first failure." Vaughn had been through enough of their sibling squabbles over the past three years to recognize the need for a quick diversion. "How did you know they were going to attempt it tonight, Syd?"

"A good spy never reveals her sources."

"That's true. As a rule, I follow it. But everyone knows you are the worlds worst spy." Nadia's eyes twinkled. "I think its safe to for you to tell us."

"My lips are sealed. And just to show you I am also the worlds greatest poker player," Sydney placed her cards on the table, "read 'em and weep."

"You have a royal flush?" Nadia threw her cards down on the table. "I fold."

"Me, too," Vaughn chuckled.

Sydney raked in the money. "What's so funny?"

Weiss tossed his hand in, giving her a disgusted look. "Next time, could you at least wait until Mike and Nadia place their bets?"

"You know we are never going to live this down, Irina."

"I'm not sure I'll be able to look her in the face, Jack."

"We better leave. I need to go over everything and figure out where we failed."

"I suppose we might as well go out the front door. She's knows we are here and to tell you the truth, I'm getting a little old to be climbing in and out windows." Irina grabbed her husband's hand. "We told Carrie we would only be an hour and it's almost that now. Let's go get our son."

They walked arm in arm out the door, nearly knocking over Marshall as he raced up the front stairs.

"Mr. Bristow. Jack. Nice hat. Black, isn't it? " Marshall stuck out his hand to Jack. "Sydney said you weren't going to be here tonight." He turned and shook Irina's hand. "Mrs. Bristow. I see you both went with matching black outfits." He looked down at his jeans and red t-shirt. "Maybe I should go home and change."

"You look fine, Marshall." Irina barely managed to keep the laughter at bay. "It's good to see you, too. You weren't home when we left our son with your wife."

Marshall looked sheepish. "I was working on the program for my new anti-hacker software and lost track of the time. It's a good thing Sydney called me, or I wouldn't have made it home first. Carrie would have been really mad and not let me come for the game tonight." He looked at his watch and frowned. "Is the game over? I thought Sydney said they were playing at least until midnight."

"No, it isn't over yet. We just stopped by for a quick visit with our daughters." Jack and Marshall both watched in fascination as Irina tucked a wayward strand of hair behind her ear.

"It's weird how Sydney and Nadia do that thing with there hair, too. You know, not really growing up around you."

"But it's not nearly as sexy when they do it," Jack added.

Irina bit back a laugh as Marshall flushed crimson. "Ignore him, Marshall. The doctor said to expect some side effects from the Cialis."

"Cialis!" Jack looked at his wife in mock horror. "That is a low blow, my dear. I assure you that our nightly activities have nothing to do with…"

"Um, maybe I better go in. I don't want to be rude. Carrie says it's rude if you show up too late." Marshall was now a deeper shade of red.

"I'm sorry, Marshall. We really shouldn't be talking about Jack's problems here." At his glare, Irina held a hand to her husband's lips. "We can finish this conversation at home, sweetheart." She turned her attention back to Marshall. "Did you say you talked to Sydney earlier this evening?"

"Yes. She called me at the office to remind me about the game and to see if Carrie was coming." Marshall eyed Jack nervously, noting the deep frown furrowing his brow. "Of course, I told her Carrie was babysitting, so she couldn't make it."

"Did you mention who Carrie was watching?" Jack and Irina shared a glance as Marshall nodded affirmatively. "Did you tell her anything else?"

"She was worried about me leaving Carrie alone with the two boys, but I told her you only planned to be gone an hour." He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and sopped up the sweat beads forming on his forehead. "She's your daughter. I didn't think it was a secret. You aren't going to torture me or anything, are you?"

"Not at all." Irina reassured him. "We just were surprised that she knew, that's all." Irina motioned to the door. "It's unlocked, so go on in and enjoy your evening."

They waited until the door shut behind him before collapsing in laughter on the front step. "Jack, my love, I believe we've discovered the one flaw in your magnificent plan. The 'Worlds Greatest Spies' were…"

"Don't say it, Irina." Jack held up a hand.

She grasped his hand and continued. "…foiled by a five year old."


End file.
